Tomorrow is the beginning of a new work week...umm YEAH!!!!

Sound convincing??? I'm truly wondering why I am NOT independently wealthy...I think... I should be...

Had a slow weekend. By slow I mean I had nothing planned but it ended up being a little busier than what I wanted it to be.

I seemed to be spending a lot of time in stores and in the mall. Two things I just do NOT do. I am a typical list girl...I make my list, go in, go directly to the items, pay, and I'm done. I am not one to window shop. Nor going with my friends to malls just to try on clothes. Hey, it probably took me a minute to get dressed and then you want me to undress in a public place, no bigger than a closet, with people trying their best to bust in the door and then not. BUY. ANYTHING. And then call it fun???

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

I got a couple invitations to go shopping. Since I still have not decided that the dress I have is the one, I decided I would take the friends up on the trip. So we loaded up the car and before we got out of the city limits two women got into an argument. They were sisters so I wasnt too worried but I secretly was hoping that this latest tiff wouldnt last long because I was on a mission (yeah...I had turned the whole thing into a 'me' thing). In 3 hours time, we went to ONE freaking store. ONE. We went to some booth where they wanted to get there eyebrows threaded. After the first one moaned and let out a couple screams...when the little lady looked at me, without her asking I just point blank said 'No.' I die a little bit when I get mine waxed let alone have to hold my own eye tight to let some stranger do her job. I noticed one of the sisters kept checking her phone and little did I know, we were being used as a ploy to get the birthday girl out of the house because her husband was planning a spur of the moment birthday party to lift her spirits.

After we ate, went to Micheals...that is when one of the girls said, 'we ready to head back?'...I held back my 'wtf??!!! you ARE kidding right????'

The party was a success for her. It was a birthday party but like I said it was something to lift her spirits. I do tend to take a lot of things for granted and sometimes God has a way of smacking me upside my head and saying 'Chill out...you think YOU have problems?' Have you ever looked at someone else and just lusted after something they had? It could be their wealth or hell the ability to actually pay a bill on time. It could be a spouse or even a significant other. Or a sensitive one. It could be their home. It could be a CLEAN home. Or it could their happiness, peace or joy that you just cant seem to achieve. And then you get to see behind the closed doors of their lives and you realize...'It's not all good.' And then you think 'damn...I'm good, Lord. No more complaints. Or I will TRY not to complain. Thank you'

It hurts to see someone that has been trying to have a baby for years and they do not have a child. To know that their are people out there hurting their own children and you've seen this woman actually balled up because she's lost another baby...it hurts. A woman who has risked her own life so that MAYBE her unborn baby can live...it hurts. When you see the want in her eyes when she holds a baby. When you see her chest rise as she takes a deep breathe as she hands that baby back to its mother. You feel the pain, but you dont understand because you have two healthy teenage boys.

I dont think I've lusted after something that was not mine. I know I have thought 'she has NO clue how lucky she is' but selfishly not realizing my own luck. I promise to try and not do that. Promise. And to try.

Went to the mall again today. Ended up buying another dress. I think it is between these two. One is chocolate with pink polka dots and the other is chocolate with tourgoise polka dots. One is has an underlay and the other is more of a stiff material that clings to about the waist and then flares out a bit at the waist. The bad thing about the second dress it has straps that do not hide a bra so either I will have to get a strapless bra which I havent tried one on since I had breast reduction surgery (another blog for another day) but I still have that mind concept that my boobs are too big. Or I will have to go braless which...really is NOT an option because even though I've had the reduction, I'm still a pretty full cup but I have a little nerve damage...

I have wedding to go to in a couple weeks so last night, I had a moment so I stopped by a store to look around. For some reason, I have this crazy idea to wear a dress so I decided instead of waiting until Thursday night before the Friday evening wedding to go shopping, driving myself and all sales clerks crazy…I would start my crazy ahead of time and take my time driving everyone nuts…

I found a dress and bought it but I’m already thinking…ehhhhhhhh this is not what I want. Its brown and pink, not the summery/springy feel that I imagine my self in. I did see a white/pink floral number and really wanted to try it on but I thought it wouldn’t be appropriate to wear white to a wedding so I didn’t even bother trying it on but it kept calling my name. Anyway, the dress I bought was almost too my ankles so I will need to get some type of heel which…urgh…I ain’t liking the thought of. So you are probably thinking ‘well why in the hell did she get this dress?!’. I have no clue. I will keep it just in case but I’m already feeling the need for my ‘regular’ which is slacks and a blouse.

Since I’ve given myself enough time, I’m sure ( in other words ‘ I am PRAYING) that I find something. I just hope I don’t spend about $500 buying clothes only to return them. I hate returning things but I spend a large part of my time doing that. I do try things on and if I have a smidgen of interest in it, I buy it only to get it home and think….ehhhhhhhhh I don’t like it. I have SUCH a freaky body. I’m 5’2, 5’3 on a good day. I have no booty, have a belly, the remnants’ of a small waist and big boobs. I have short muscular legs so dresses, most times, make me look like a line backer but I’m feeling the need to please since someone loves the way my legs look when I just have on a tee shirt…

Men… the things we do to please them…

I personally think he wants easy access but I digress….

And now we go into the timeless speech of….

Body image

I really don’t mind my weight. Except for the fact that my doctor feels like my diabetes is better regulated at a lower weight, I really wouldn’t try to lose anything. I do however have a huge issue with my belly. I’ve always loved my belly and my belly button. I still like my belly button but my belly gets in the way of clothes shopping. People constantly tell me that I buy clothes that hang instead of accentuate my shape but when I buy my size, it accentuate this huge bulge I’ve got in the front and ya’ll that aint attractive. So…I buy clothes, especially pants and skirts at one or two sizes too big. All because of my belly. I would love to get rid of it and not have it. Yeah…I can do it the old fashion way of diet and exercise but hey I want this to be easy… I love to walk but my hour long walks are strolls where I can enjoy things like BREATHING, NOT SWEATING, ummmm TALKING ON MY CELL. You cant do that when you are trying to work up a sweat to burn calories or belly fat. Well…at least I cant do it.

I’ve always loved being curvy. Even when I was a smaller size, I had curve so being curvy doesn’t bother me at all. Just this freakin’ weight on my belly drives me INSANE!

10 things I am grateful for…

My childrens’ health. After having one NOT healthy for almost 7 days (and he’s still not up to par) I am so grateful that they are healthy initially because I cant imagine how things would have been if he wasn’t already a really healthy kid….

My health because this has exhausted me more than my running around mid Missouri for basketball tournaments….

Life…its not as bad as I thought it was….matter of fact its pretty damn good….

My job because no matter how much I complain about it it still helps me provide for my family…..

Family who stands behind me, beside me and sometimes in front of me…

My Canon…it speaks sometimes when my words don’t come out right or not at all

Peace…its finally coming to me.

Spring! A beautiful wonderful chance for life again….

Friends who don’t have to love me but do….

God…

The boys are now back in school after a week and a day off for spring break. They actually got the whole spring break because we really did not have a hard winter. We had maybe 2 hard snows and those were carefully planned so that they feel on the weekend, ruining our weekends but great for not taking off school. Of course they were not PLANNED but it sounded funny that way.

What did they do over their spring break, you ask…absolutely nothing. Stayed up late, woke up early and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Friday we took a trip with my parents to my dad’s childhood home in Arkansas and stayed until Sunday but over all, they were slugs.

The trip to Arkansas was nice. My dad enjoyed showing the kids how far he had to walk to school. He didn’t have to add lib with the up hill both ways. It was a long enough walk that they were like ‘you walked alllllllllllllllllllllllll this way???’. Jalil wanted to know if he was ever late (Jalil HATES to be late for anything) and how early he had to get up to get their on time. They loved going to see the church my great father founded and seeing the street named after my family. (Didn’t matter that most country gravel roads in small rural towns are like that, they felt it was pretty cool). The trip was mainly for my dad and I am so glad we did it. When I wasn’t driving the van I sat behind him. When the kids would talk about things he was showing them, he was smiling so hard that I could tell by looking at the back of his head. No, we didn’t go to a resort, island or even anywhere exciting in the USA but what we gave my dad was IMMEASURABLE….

Jalil @ the hotel....
Some scenes outside the window...

Okoye eating a pickled egg...yes...a pickled egg....

Larry, Curly and Moe....

You ever get that feeling that something is about to happen or something is happening? Not necessarily doom and gloom but like something that has never happened before and you know…beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you need to prepare for it. But you have no clue for what? I’m getting that feeling. I noticed last week I seemed to have a steady mantra going through my head constantly. It was ‘its okay. Just be at peace’. Or I would say ‘take a deep breath’. Now yes, it’s weird to talk to yourself in almost 3rd person but sometimes…I don’t really think its me ME that’s talking to me. Boy…this sound really crazy so lets move on…
~

What is it about spring break and summer that makes me have a total mind game on my self that hey...'this time, this period in time does not add up in the overall scheme of this thing called life'...crazy I know but for example.....

I do not want to make a nurtritional meal. Question: 'ma, whats for dinner' was answered by 'ummmm why dont we have sandwiches????' Okoye then said 'but then what???' ummm whatever you find to cook....'

I went and had a pedicure today AFTER work...didnt want to wait until the weekend nor wait until the week after next. Didn't worry about when dinner was going to get started or if we had dinner on time.





Speaking of which had a very deep enlightening conversation with my pedicuriest (my word and I'm truly owning it) about the time he met this girl on the web and decided to meet in person and she wanted to sleep with him but he refused and he wanted to know if it was crazy for him to be still thinking about her....i dont normally 'engage' during the colder months. My motto is 'keep eyes averted...do NOT engage in any contact either telepatheticallly or verbally...'





I open all my doors and windows as if to say 'PLEASE!!! come all!!! None turned away!!! I will love you like my own!'





I actually want to clean. I clean crazily out of habit or maybe insanity but when I look at something and WANT to clean it...spring break is here.





I'm actually open to communication. Doesnt mean I agree with you or what you say but I wont give you the 'wtf' look when you say something crazy....





And more importantly...my camera captures the color GREEN....doesnt matter how small...its there and that's all that matters.....

OH.MY.GAWD.....

This lady is so talented....please check her out and contact her for a session....

Mom scaned me a couple letters I wrote to her when I was young and of course she kept them as proof that I had issues….



It reads...





Dear Mom,
I love you very, very much. I might not act it but I do. Im very sorry I said you picked on me and me only. Im busy trying work that out by losing a lot of things around for you I know that you love me more than Byron, Ranel, Donetta or Leona. When ever I got sick you took care of me. We I lost Toby you told me Toby was better off. I know now your right!! From today on you’re my mother and always be no matter what happens. I hope you treasure this. I now I treasure a lot of thing you give me. I know I might have them now but there in my heart. What Im saying is there a space in my heart that’ll be for you and you only.

Love your Daughter

Jacqueline Price





*MAJOR ISSUE NUMBER ONE: THAT IS NOT HOW MY NAME IS SPELLED.....

The second was is pretty clear so I wont rewrite it.

So many damn mixed emotions! A part of me can not help but laugh my azz off at these…Why I felt the need to write such a letter. I probably wrote this when I was 10 because ‘Toby’ was a poodle mixture mutt that died and I was 10 or 11 when that happened. I also had started questioning why I lived with my grandparents and none of the other kids did. I think that is why from the age of 10-15 I tried to be as perfect as I could possible be and but then 16-17 hit...all hell broke lose. Now that part...that part makes me sad.

Maybe that sadness is why I spend an unusual amount of time and belief in listening to teenagers and what they say. How they feel. Reading these makes me SO glad that I have kept a lot of my kids art, crafts, cards and letters. So that they can read them later on and smile or laugh. Be happy or sad. And relive those moments when they were going through a poetic stage or a ‘Deep thoughts by Jack Handy’ moments…