I see this windmill everytime I go to my hometown.  I always snap pictures from a distance because its in the middle of someone private land, their farm.  On my birthday, I was going to have breakfast with my mom and dad and I dont know...SOMETHING got into me. 

I HAD to get up close and personal with this thing.

So I drove onto the land.  I drove for about a quarter of mile down a GRAVEL road and just parked.  There werent any shoulders to pull over on...no side streets to park and walk to .  Just...a drop off and then  grass and weeds.  I sat for a minute thinking...okay, YOU wanted to do this so aint sense in backing out now!'  so I got out.

I started thinking about how I would explain to my kids how I got shot in the ass.  My dad is pretty well known so I wondered if I would at least get to say  'I"m Lee's yongest daughter!!!  Dont shoot!.'  So with head down I walked right up to the windmill and started snapping.  Since I knew, I'd probably NEVER get my nerve to do this AGAIN anytime soon, I really focused on composition.  Lighting.  ISO.  I wanted it to be perfect.  And you know what..

ALL OF MY SHOTS STINK.  I mean REALLY bad shots.

I didnt realize how massive windmill's are up close so all my angles were wrong....it was washed out...the flare was NOT a good flare.  Just...it all sucked.  So I did some editing in Picasa and came up with this picture above.

I'm not giving up on my windmill though.  I will find another oppurtunity and I will get the shot I have in my mind.  I dont want it to be 'well I tried'.  Yes I did try and yes I did fail but that doesnt mean I dont try again. 

And that is what my 2013 will be about.

Evolve:

 

 

 

1.

a. To develop or achieve gradually: evolve a style of one's own.

b. To work (something) out; devise: "the schemes he evolved to line his purse" (S.J. Perelman).

2. Biology To develop (a characteristic) by evolutionary processes.

3. To give off; emit.

v.intr.

1. To undergo gradual change; develop: an amateur acting group that evolved into a theatrical company.

2. Biology To develop or arise through evolutionary processes.

This is my word for 2013....Evolve.

---

An early birthday present for me.    It is a Li Bien ornament so...

LOVE....  and she went right on my Snoopy Christmas tree  ( I didnt put up the full tree this year.  I know I know...beat me a limp noodle).   Rather its been by design or by a God given  personality trait,  I tend to  get a lot of Christmas themed stuff for Christmas.  That is the 'design' part of it all....when you have a birthday close to a holiday, you tend to get gifts of that holiday.  Luckily...mine is near Christmas.  And then I have the secret part of my personality to like things dainty, feminine and colorful and that is where my God given personality trait comes into play.

Some friends and I went to dinner for my birthday and that in itself is HUGE for me.  I dont like a lot of attention and then with it being Christmas, people need their money for their families and friends for the holiday.  Crazy me forgot that I am considered family and friends to some people LOL.

Isnt it funny  how we do that?   Its okay and allowed to put more merit on others and their needs than ourselves...

I am taking a lot of time of for the holidays, something I just dont do so right now I"m going to tell you


To have a very Merry Christmas.
To have a blessed New Year
To love with all your heart
and to know that you are loved beyond your wildest dreams by a God that gave His only son for you.  No greater gift exists.

Missouri has had its first snow of the 2012-2013 winter season.   For us...it just tickled us a little bit and moved on.....

I dont know WHY I picced here to take some pictures of the snow.  I had a doctors appointment in the middle of ths storm, decided to go ahead and go to the doctor even though

I DO NOT DRIVE IN SNOW.

PERIOD.

AND SERIOUSLY.

but drive I did.  It wasnt snowing too bad...just windy.  So after,  I thought about this cemetary and decided to drive by.

I'm glad I did.



Children are precious to my heart.  I think this is true for most mothers.  As a mother... its like your heart opens up a little wider where children are concerned rather it be yours or someone else's.  I tend to go a little overboard and 'adopt' even my son's friends and if their mama wasnt around and I was...they had a mama to run, too.

The recent event in Connecticut leaves me deveastated.  I am shocked at how much.  I know that sound crazy to say that I'm shocked by it considering our entire NATION is grieving but ya'll...I sat in front of the TV for two days strait. 

 Life is suppossed to go on but how?

For some...life will never be the same.  And for them...my heart hurts.  I hurt for the 20 children who felt pain.  I hurt for the siblings of those 20 children.  I hurt for the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncle and surviving friends of those 20 children.  I grieve for the 7 adults that were taken from their spouses, signifant others, parents, children, aunts, uncles.  And I grieve for the man who acted on the thought that THIS was the answer.

My sweetie Jalil got his first job!   He is over the MOON.  I'm over the moon...well a little bit  :-)

He's growing up so fast.....How does 17 years fly in 2 years???   It seems like it he was just turning 13 and at that time...over the moon about being a teenager.

I worry.  I worry about EVERYTHING.   It comes from a lifetime of PREparing him for every little moment of his life. I've spent the last 11 years knowing what his next 3 steps were going to be so that he can manuever through life a little easier and now...as we all know when you have a job with the public, anything can happen.  Right now his excitement over 'growing up'  is taking over the knowledge that surprises will come up when you have a job but like always, I've got an on-going dialque going

"Just take deep breathe's"
"ASK questions."
"Write it down if you have too"
"PAY ATTENTION."
"Focus on what is being said"

These are prompts that hopefully, will be recorded in his mind and he will be able to replay as his day goes by.  Something for him to draw from when he gets overwhelmed.

The best part about it is, his older brother got him the job.  His older brother will be training him.  From the time I was pregnant with Jalil, Okoye had it in his  2 year old head that he was his brother's keeper.  He used to rub my stomach and talk to him in some sort of  language and then tap my belly, smile really big and walk away with this expression of 'okay, we got that strait.'   When I had Jalil, there was never a point of jealousy.  When Jalil went through a stage of having his own language, Okoye  understood him.  And when their father and I got divorced,  without prompting, he just stepped and decided crazily that he was Jalil's protector.  Their connection is a gift from God.  When Okoye was 16, he asked me why Jalil was 'different'.  Not because HE seen it but because someone else had asked him.  ( The anger and heartbreak from that is another post for another day). 

To him...he's just Jalil.  No different.  Just Jalil.

*I wasnt going to go into all this on this post.  I was just going to write the first two paragraphs but the rest just flowed.  I guess I had to get it out somewhere.

It has been soooooooo cold the past couple of days.  I know I know I know...it is almost winter time and I DO live in Mid Missouri so yes...it is SUPPOSSED to get cold  but ....brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


With that being said....the lake still draws me.  It tends to be colder by bodies of water but water has always calmed me down.  Been a balm for my soul....

Helped me take a deep breathe and evaluate my life.

and yesterday was no different.   The best thing about it being cold is that people tend to NOT go to the lake so its pretty quiet.  Except for the geese honking and splashing around...its was just me and the water waves.  Perfect solitude.

      “Autumn asks that we prepare for the future —that we be wise in the ways of garnering and keeping. But it also asks that we learn to let go—to acknowledge the beauty of sparseness.” ~Bonaro W. Overstreet

I actually got outside and snapped some pictures Saturday.  It felt good....I know this is probably very bland and blah but it took a lot of energy to concentrate so I could get aperature but it felt good to be 'back in the saddle' again.

 

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you

because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.

Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

 ― Roald Dahl

I wish I could say I'm THIS ready for Christmas...but I'm not.  I've had the flu so  not one present has been brought nor bow hung....I'm so on it this year   :-)

Every year I do this.  I start thinking about it in July...make plans...put up reminders and then bam!  Its November 13th and I remember I was going to take part in  NaBloPoMo.

I've never been able to post every day.  Even from the beginning of when I STARTED...I've never been able to do it.  Rather it be of lack of interesting stuff...or my own privacy issues...or just plain laziness.  Its just...not going to happen.



*


My aunt passed away Saturday night.  It all happened so fast...at one point she was being taken to the hospital because she became dizzy and fell.  Next thing you know....the word cancer is being passed around.  This is the point where I want to be a child and say life's not fair.  When I want to bury my head in the sand and just let this moment pass.  Where I just want to tilt my head back, close my eyes and use one of my most favorite quotes from a movie...

dear god, make me a bird


so i can fly,

far far away from here.

*


I walked today at break to mainly get out of the office and get some sunshine and fresh air.  I love sunshine on my body.  Absolutely love it...but the more I walked, the more I realize that I've gained probably 5 pounds.  Being 5'2...even though there is extra wieght on my body ANYWAY, anytime there is more than what my archless feet are used too...they let me know.  And boy...my arches were screaming at me.  Which reminds me...

I have an appointment with a new doctor on the 26th.  I've been with the same doctor for about 7 years.  My boys and I have went to same one every since I watched how she worked so well with my youngest.  When I seen how much she made him comfortable and how direct she was...we all switched.  And now...she has moved her practice about an hour away.

:-(

It sucks to have to start all over...

I know this is really grainy but I kid you not...I do believe it was raining on just this very edge of the lake....I HAD to get a picture...

*

It is true what they say...giving thanks, feeling blessed and being grateful gives you power.  Uplifts your spirits and just has a way of making you feel...at peace.  I've been doing the 30 Days of November ( on FB )  and here we are on only the 8th day...and I think of things to be thankful for ALL day.  They come to me without prompting and I usually get mad because I've already posted for the day.



There is power in giving thanks....

My Oldest is now looking for a car.  Some one hit his car a couple weeks ago.  He's fine except he is driving his dad's truck and he of course feels inhibited in where he goes and what he does.  As well, he should.  Even though there was only damage to the front drivers side of the car, there was enough frame damage to total the car.  Makes me sad.

It makes me sad because the car he was driving was MY Lil Red Devil... this was my 'new leaf' car.  I purchased the car not to soon after my divorce.  At a time when I felt pretty down and out.  Alone.  Sad and EXTREMELY scared about the future.  This was my 'new leaf' and my begin anew.  At that time I actually remember thinking 'I might not be able to get my husband happy but I SURE can buy my own car.'

PLEASE UNDERSTAND....WHEN I SAID THIS I WAS BROKEN.  B.R.O.K.E.N

I've come a long way since then and the car has become a testament to what I can do and what I am capable of.  Even when I brought a new car in 2009, I still did not give her up.  I kept her so that my son could use her when he had his license and if she had made it...my Youngest son would have used her for a couple of years too.  She epitome's the 'New Leaf' era's.

In any case....we have got a lot of new beginings, new chapter and new era's going on in the household but I feel so UP to the task in tackling them.  And I'm thankful for that  :-)

i am constantly on the phone at work...i get incoming calls as well as handle outcoming calls all day everyday.  first phone call of the day...

I answer the way I usually do...go through the pleasantries...and then a question is asked.  A work related question.  I turn around and ask him for identifying information and as he is looking he asks

Man:  "So how'd you like that election we had???"
Me:  "Sir, we do not comment on political events"
Man:  "  I'm not  taping you...go 'head...tell me."


i decided to answer his question about work instead of  the personal and he jumped right back to it...

Man:  "  I bet your not happy about the election....we spent all that money and he didnt get elected  "

Last year, during November, I noticed people doing the 30- Days of Thankful and I vowed to myself that I would do the next year. And I have.  Granted its only been 5 days but I do intend to stop and take notice of the blessings that I get more often than not...

Is it me or is when you become more aware of blessings, thankfull-ness and being grateful that you notice the petty ish a LOT easier?

Jussayin'

*

Why is it during the colder months I go crazy over cakes, pies and cookies?  Not baking them mind you...EATING them.  Like, all the time eating them.

*


My oldest had a car accident a couple weeks ago....he's fine and it wasnt his fault.  Some kid  ( well...not kid...he was 20 but too me...he's a kid)  hydroplaned and side swiped his car.  That side swiping of the car  TOTALED the car out.  Totaled.  So now we have to get him another vehicle.  Of course he's seeing vision of a red two door sports car in his head.

Puppies just make the world a better place.....

As a mother...I get it.  I get it that when we have kids...we raise them to be independent, self - sufficient, humane adults.  We love them with all our heart.  We protect them.  We encourage them.  We support them. 

and we also feel their pain with them

The moment finally came.  That moment all mother's dread...when their child's heart is broken.  For us, it wasnt a girl that broke his heart but basketball.  Tryouts were this week and he did not make the team.

I knew this time would come.  With Jalil and his disabilities, learning the plays and being reactive on a split second decision,  I knew eventually, he would not be picked.  I prepared for it..at least I thought I did.

I wasnt.

I go from being hurt to totally pissed.

Hurt because my son walked out of the gym, sobbing.  He couldnt understand WHY.  He ran hard.  Never complained.  Never stopped.   Made his layups, did his drills  and blocked like nobodies business.  But he still didnt get picked...didnt make the cut.  Was not WANTED.  Jalil KNOWS his limitations.  He knows that he has to work harder than most to get the siimpliest things.  He does extra credit just to keep his grades up.  He concentrates and stays focused on the task at hand so as not to miss anything.  We have worked hard so that he knows this things...and tries to compensate for them.

but it doesnt always work out for the best.

I'm totally pissed because...these are the same coaches that have worked with Jalil over the past 8 years.  They KNOW what his limitations are BUT they also know how to compensate for him.  They've adjusted for him....they've gotten aggravated (mama's can tell) but they've adjusted because he's good.  I get IT that sports are not about compensating or adjusting. I get it.

Doesnt stop me from wanting to go Terminator Mamma on all on 'em.

Fall is really struggling to decide what she wants to do...

Here lately, we've  were in the 50's and I had to turn on my heat....

A few days later....we had humidity and strong winds.  Tornado type weather...

And no this week...it's a balmy 87 degree's...

Gotta love Missouri weather...

'HEY.....Take my picture!!!'

I had walked by a group of boys....camera slung around my neck, head up, looking around  ( not in confidence, mind you, but in the act of trying to 'see' what was in the world to  capture).  I glanced back and one boy...the one with the cigerette in his 15 year old hand....said it again...

'take my picture!!!'

I walked back to him, holding on to my camera strap...once I got in front of him I asked him WHY I should his picture and he gave me the cutest childish grin and said

'cause I'm gonna be famous!'

He was obviously the leader.  I started snapping pictures and once he realized that I was he quickly started organizing the others...'hey man...get here.'  'No...you get down there'...'right here'.  As he did all this  I snapped.  Snapped.  Snapped...and snapped some more. 

I dont know about others but when I'm taking pictures...I get into a zone.  Its like I'm in a bubble and it sounds like I have water in my ears.  I get very creative which is good but this can also be dangerous.  Once I tuned in...I had about 12 boys swarming me. Showing me fake tatt's and one real one ( I asked him if his mama knew)...jumping around, laughing, cracking jokes on each other, pushing each other.  Cussing  ( I called them on that one )  and telling me what they wanted to do with their lives..   And in turn, we were getting a lot of nervous glances from people, my age, walking by. 

Since we were blocking the flow of sidewalk traffic, I decided to end my little session.  As I walked away I heard one say

'she was kinda cool.'

ugh...that felt like a gut punch.  Having two young men...two Black young men..I often get offended when people generalize anyone but especially our youth and here I was with my own prejudiced view of a group of teenage boys.   I just felt extremely small-minded.  I know that, yes...my situation could have ended differently and yes, I need to have  a gut instinct about situations like that but I at least need to SEE the situation first and then judge.  Not judge it and then see it.  Does that make sense????

God's presence is shown EVERY day...we just have to see it....

Ali ,   who, if I must say is My ScrapBooking Crush, started the whole Around Here/In The Moment/Right Now craze for me.  I loved doing it so I think I might continue doing it....


RIGHT NOW...I just had break and I spent it outside.  Not walking.  Not talking.  Just enjoying the sunshine and actually liking the burst of wind that would just come out of nowhere.  God was talking to me right then.

IN THE MOMENT.... Early this morning, I had a parking lot battle and the battle won.  At least at the moment it won.  It was so bad I had to really check and make sure there wasnt a camera crew somewhere filming the craziness that happened.  And in the moment of that craziness, I went and had French Toast and sausage links.  With Maple Syrup.  And Butter.  Lots and lots of butter.  Not good for a diabetic.

AROUND HERE....the city is getting rev'd up because its Lincoln University's Homecoming.  I get to actually rock my "MY SON GOES TO LINCOLN UNIVERSITY!'  t-shirt   :-)  

RIGHT NOW...  I am so loving shirt dresses and tunics!  Big shirts and tights with a nice boot...oh yeah...could it be possible???  Could I love fall any more than I already do???  I do believe so...

IN THE MOMENT....when I got my electric bill on Wednesday,  I felt pretty good because that bad boy was back down to $112....  during the summer months, you know, The Year of the Midwest Drought... my electric bill NEVER was below $280...In that moment I felt sooooo good, I did a happy dance.  Yes....low electric bills make me THAT happy.

AROUND HERE...I am already mentally preparing for the holidays.    Well, not just mentally but I am taking a lot of time off for the holidays. Normally I dont.  I might take off the day before or after but this time around...I"m going to be off for about a week for Thanksgiving  and almost a week and a half for Christmas.  And I dont regret it.

RIGHT NOW...  I believe Miyagi has flea's...ugh.  He has dry skin anyway so we give him oatmeals baths, do daily sometimes twice a day brush downs  but he is actually biting or using his teeth when he is 'grooming'.  Almost in a knaw type fashion.  ugh....

I dont know what I dislike more....

being overwhelmed with too much to do that I cant breathe....

or

not being important enough...trusting my capablities enough... to be given a lot of tasks to do???

Monday was a holiday so I was off...My youngest was off but not because of the holiday.

( some sort of teacher developement day)

Decided to go for my walk earlier in the day and my youngest decided he wanted to go with...

( really I bribed him that if he would be my test subject and walk with him mother...I'd let him drive.  Yes...I bribed him.  Dont judge me)

I'm pretty selfish with my walks.  I like to be alone.  I like to listen to the quiet.  I like to take mental snapshots and ACTUAL snapshots.

So for the most part...I would rather be alone on my walks.

Some flowers are hanging in there...keep on hanging on!

Pumpkin patch...God that reminds me of my grandmother. She had pumpkin patches every fall. These little bulbs or whatever you want to call them, bring back SO many memories.

Really young folks...and a few young AT HEART folks...defacing public property does NOT make your love last.....

On Sunday...my morning walk gave me the oppurtunity to take some photo's of something else other than flowers, grasses, trails, etc....

I dont know what they were doing...maybe eating because they kept pecking at the ground

but there were so many I decide to admire from afar.

until they noticed me. after my last run in with a duck...I didnt want to tempt fate....i took some photo's and walked the opposite direction.

Saturday was the perfect day for a maze...I asked the boys what they had planned but when I told them I felt like going to a maze....plans quickly changed.

We chose to go to  Shryocks Maze....

Before we entered the maze Okoye thought it would be a good idea to  do boys against girls.  His girlfriend didnt think that would be a good idea  :-/

could the sun be any brighter??? 

In the middle of the maze there is a bridge and you can go and stand on it to get a highter view of the maze which really, doesnt help since the maze is so thick.  When the boys got to the bridge, they started yelling 'mom'   'mom'  'mom'  ( which I'm sure scared the heck out of every mom in the maze.  y'all know how we mom's are.  It doesnt matter where you are at, if a kid hollers 'mom'...you look. ).   So this iswhere we finally met up with them.

You are never to old for a pumpkin patch picture....yeah...I've got issues....

this is a view from the bridge...yeah....this is why I wont go at night.  imagine getting lost in there...

 

This is the Big Red Barn to the maze.  In front of it there are picnic tables for eating and drinking.  There are pits placed through out the front 'yard' for bomfires at night and huge stalks of bundled corn with pumpkins for pictures....

This is one of the owners of the farm.  He is explaining to us how the design is picked,how it is tracked and marked.  Basically, you need to be an engineer if you want to do a corn maze.  I kid but seriously...its not as easy as I thought it would be.  Oh that's my nephew Q....

another group photo...

love the sunlight on Saturday...

i begged him to do this...the whole time he was like...this is cheesey...but he did it anyway...