I woke up this morning with this feeling of ....emptiness. Questions of what am I going to do? Is this where I want to be? Where DO I want to be? I'm tired of being in a rut. AND for some reason I thought to myself...' I want to be happy'. Even in my own mind it sounded childlike. So...I did what any depressed person does.....

I cut my hair. I told my stylist 'I'm sad. I'm depressed. Make me happy' (yes I know, totally immature of me to expect someone else to make me happy but hey....that's what I said). So she went to cliping away. Folks....I feel my neck....

Please dont look at the double chins.... I do feel a little better. Maybe it was time for a change. All the way around.

I so love this scripture.....

I feel a little exhausted today. I said that I was starting to feel Jalils angst about school so I did what I do and took the bull by the h orns and emailed most (except one) of his teachers today. We are able to look online to see what assignments have been assigned and what hasnt been completed and there is links to email the teachers. Tonight has been nothing but me re introducing myself to teachers and letting them know 'hey... I am not a BACK BURNER mama....' Jalil needs a lot of organization for his days to run smoothly...gee wonder where he gets that from????
Okoye had to go get a physical today and his father tookhim. Again, he's starting to feel....not as connected....to the kids as he wishes he could be so every little thing that is going on with the kids, he's trying to step up and do it. Okoye texted me and said that he had lost 11 pounds but his doctor wasnt too concerned about it. ummm okay. 10 minutes later I get another text 'they takn my blood!' I immediately get on the phone 'ummm whats going on???' No one knows a freakin' thing. His father didnt ask. He just let somebody come into a room and stick a needle in my baby. And WHY did he ask me 'why are you pissed???' Since I was at work I did that shrill whisper scream 'because you let someone take blood and didnt ask WHY!!!' His reasoning is that if something is wrong then at least we are running the test to know. urgh...

So I call his doctor who is my doctor and explain that yes, I understand her concern but to please remember that we've recently found out that I was diabetic and our eating habits have changed dramatically. I mean, I could eat 6 slices of bread IN A DAY. Add a loaded potatoe with some mac and cheese and yeah...we are good to go. Think about not eating that on a DAILY basis and you loose at least a pound a week. Add into it his activities and constant movement he's going to lose more. She still thought running labs wouldnt hurt.

Miyagi has started chewing again and I cant help but think its because he's mad that once again, he has got to be alone all day by himself. We didnt have the problem as much all summer but here lately, its started back up again. Since school started. Mabye I need a puppysitter.....

Don't ask me why I put this picture on here...I have no clue. Well really I do but I will leave that up to your imagination....

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School is in session and it's been a beyotch to get into the grove (insert old school Madonna in here). My oldest is pretty nervous about school. I can raise my hand and take the blame for that. Last year, in the 8th grade, we had to sit down and talk and decide ultimately, tentatively, what he wanted to do after he graduated from high school. We had to plan his course curriculum for high school because his plan (and ours)has always been for him to go to college and so he wanted to take prep courses for that. Well those courses, or some of those courses, you had to have another course to have THOSE courses. So I stressed to him that this is the big leagues buddy and you betta buckle down and do the due. Yeah, intimidation is a great tool as a parent. Try it.

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My baby is nervous. When he talks to me about his day, he's nervous. When he volunteers information, he's nervous. I'm trying to be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal calm with it and tell him that its just the beginning of the school year, he's got to get into the flow and once he does, everything will flow into place. Another tool as a parent is bullishting until you REALLY feel it. I know if I don't get him locked into a routine he will flounder so that has been why I haven't really posted a lot.

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Maybe the reason I posted that pic is because lately, topics of conversation have centered around sex this week. Just different topics. S&M. Mundane. Exciting. Just silly stuff that Shelly and I will talk about. Except this week we've included one of our Supervisors into the dialogue...Can we say sexual harassment boys and girls???

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I can not stand when I'm on the phone with someone and all of a sudden, the definite sound of a toilet flushing or fluids hitting fluids, or any other SOUND comes across the air waves! If that happens I will put you on blast in a heartbeat but what ASTOUNDS me is when I go into a public bathroom, a government professional building and someone is talking on the phone while peeing!!!! WTF. Stop the madness ya'll. I am NOT a prude by any means but c'mon ya'll does anyone else have a problem with this????

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NEW BLOG ALERT!!NEW BLOG ALERT!!! Check it out.....

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Another thing I want to add to my bucketlist is going on a cruise. A long one. By myself.

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I so am drooling over this camera. I VANT VONE SOOOOOOOOOOOO VAD! Or this one....

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A picture of my babies...JUST BECAUSE! Don't they look so pleased on the first day of school??

Yes, I STILL take pictures on the first day of school and will continue on and on and on.....

I dont know about you but when I look at this picture....all I want to do is ask Janet...'Hey girl how have you been??? Really, thats good...ummm so what did you cook for Jermaine for dinner last night?'. Serious as all get out. That is what I want to ask her. Or maybe even ask her 'If you had to chose would you chose artichoke dip or salsa?' Maybe something about which furniture polish she uses...spray or oil. OH OH OH or maybe something about the war in Iraq. Yeah Yeah...I would ask that.

If you hadnt figure it out, I'm female. A heterosexual female who is in love with a 6'5 black man. But hey, after this picture...I'd do Janet my damn self. It is totally not fair that she has perky boobs AT 40 SOME ODD YEARS OLD. Flat ab's AT 40 SOME ODD YEARS OLD. And even from this point of view, a terrific butt AT 40 SOME ODD YEARS OLD. OH OH AAAAAAAAAAAAAND she's coming out with her own lingere line. For who? For what...S&M spagetti noodles????

I aint hating on Janet. I love Janet and her music (except for that whole Black Cat phase she went through). I think she is very....misunderstood but overall a sweet human being.

I still would kill for her abs....

When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. No, lets call it what it was. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. I was 24 years old. Already a mother of a 15 month old. Hadn't finished college. And basically a single mom. Kerry and I had broken up and he was talking about moving back to Texas. There were options. Choices. Decisions that I had to make but really...there was only one reality and that was I had to have my baby.



Up until that point, the early stages of pregnacy were... ummm a bitch. I aint going to lie. It seemed like the stress of it all consumed, like, EVERY waking moment of every day. But soon as I decided that it was US, I had the most unnatural relaxing pregnancy known to man. Or Wo-man. I only gained 30 pounds with him even though I had gestational diabetes. No naseau. No achiness. Just....good Lord...dare I say it...joy. When I went into labor, I had no clue I was even IN labor.



I was down at my mom's playing cards with the family, on a Sunday afternoon, when my mom mentioned that I was going to the bathroom a lot. Yeah, I told her, he's pressing against something, I pooh poohed her away and kept right on playing. About an hour later, my mom said 'CALL your doctor. You've went to the bathroom 4 times.' When I stood up to call the doctor I got this horrible spasm in my back and waddled over to her phone. When I got the doctor, he said that I should come in just to check up.



I really didnt want to even do that. I mean, I AM a mother, and I HAVE done this before. I think I would know these things. Ummm no. By the time they checked me, I was dilated to 4 centimeters. It was 6pm when they checked me in. I went through some rough back pains but nothing unbearable. 'Do you want something for pain?' 'umm can I have Advil, I've got back cramps'...'no...no Advil.' 'Okay. Well what do you have?' I"m serious! it was like nothing I have every expierenced before. I had my TV on...Kerry was sitting by the bed, everyonce inawhile they would let a family member bring Okoye back but they didnt want me to get to excited so it was only for a little bit. I even curled up into a ball and went to sleep. Next thing I know it was being awakened..talking about 'lets check you out'. The doctor looked at me and said you are ready to have this baby NOW'. I looked at him like you've got to be kidding and I remember him saying 'I'm not kidding'.



11:41pm. So easy. SO easy. Let me say it again...SO EASY. I panted. I rested. I beared down. His head crowned. I took several deep breathes, beared down and I had YOU. I heard your cry and I felt like...I finally could breathe again. Doctor said 'i dont think i was even needed here!' Everyone laughed and finally they put you into my arms. I swear I wanted to curl up into my own little fetal position. My sun rose in you right then and there and it has never went down.



Now everyone says that mothers cant love one child more than another. I agree. But you love them differently. You understand what, who, and the why of your children and your adjust your life accordingly. Jalil...Jalil has his learning disablities. He had a wall that, for the longest time, I seemed to be the only one to break down or get around but the older he gets the more, he's letting those walls come down brick by brick,he's peeking over those walls and letting others come around that wall and its a wonderful thing to see.



You are turning into a typical teen. Love your basketball. Love your video games. Love your mommie as long as I dont hit your butt where anyone can see. ( 'Not in public MOM!). Love your brother until he 'picks on you'. Loves your pets. Loves your home. Loves your dad. And loves to sleep. Pretty typical but your are still my extraordinary baby and I love YOU. Happy 13th Bday Jalil!!

P, you ask how such a nice day go wrong..well, Ima tell you....




I used to be a teenager...ONCE UPON A TIME. My kids really dont believe that fairy tale but its true.



Rewind the tape a little bit....Thursday night, my oldest son's girlfriend called and asked if her best friend, Markie, could come to Jalil's bbq. Markie?? NEVER heard her even talk about a Markie....never heard my son speak about a Markie....so I told her I didnt want her to come because I didnt want anyone there that I didnt know. End of story, right? Wrong. One of Okoye's friends was allowed to come to the bbq and his mother, N, called, hyperventilating because she found out some info from her ex husband about their son and she was digesting it. So I'm telling N to breathe and all the things that a friend tells you when your world just blew up and then N said 'I just cant imagine Markie.....' Yeah. Markie. So I told her what I thought what was up. Okoye's friend, C, lives by Okoye's girlfriend and now......... allofadayum sudden the girlfriends are best friends! Righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht. I told N that I knew that C was going to ask to spend the night but that wasnt going to happen. I wasnt going to allow that to happen. Score one for the old mama...





At least that is what I thought.




C did ask if he could spend the night to which I said no. I gloated inwardly...until. My azz feel asleep.




At 2:13am, I woke up. My heart was beating and I couldnt figure out why I woke up so suddenly. I looked towards my door and I see two rather tall figures moving slowly down the hall....wtf??? I looked at the clock and then I layed perfectly still and tried to look through my lids and I heard that one step, we all have it, the step on the stairs with the creak. Then silence. I knew wtf was going on. I layed for about 2 more minutes and then I slowly got up so I wouldnt make any noise. Went to the first room and opened the door. Nothing. Went to the other bedroom. No one. The rest of the house was completely black so I headed downstairs and checked the front door. It was unlocked. Went down the stairs into the family room and walked over to the patio door and it was unlocked.





My loveable trustworthy perfect sons had snook out at 2 in the morning. I instantly felt my ears get hot so I turned around and positioned my flat butt on the stairs so that if they came in the front door OR the patio door... I'd be the first thing they seen: A mama with flames coming out of her nose. After about 10 minutes, I'd realized they were coming right back so I threw on some pants and some flipflops and hopped in the car. I drove over to Okoye's girlfriend's house were both cars were there so I turned around and went over to my friend, N's, house. Every light in her basement was on so I called her cell phone and it went to voice mail. I drove around her circle drive and came across another one of Okoye's friends house but all the lights were off in the house. I drove home not knowing exactly how to handle this.



I got home...paced...thought then finally called Okoye's cell phone. Went to voice mail (big surprise there). I said that if I didnt not get a call in one minute, he'd better answer my phone next time I called or I was going to call the police and have his azz picked up. It was 3:26am. 3:28, I called and it went to voicemail again. I was ready to ride and knock on every dayum door in the neighborhood. I got about a quarter of a mile when I ran into all four boys running down the street. When I threw on the brakes, I could tell that they thought for sure I was the cops. They just stopped and it looked like a face off. Finally my oldest boy walked a couple feet and knew it was me. Everyone followed. Slowly they all climbed into the car....



Needless to say I"ve come short of beating the hell out of everyone. Each one I checked like a horse to see if I smelled cigarette smoke, alcohol or weed. I know they were embarrassed but at this point, I'm sure I looked like the devil itself, I was that angry. Sad. And majorly disappointed. They weren't crazy enough to ask me to stop.



I've had some major disppointments but this...this just blows my mind. My kids are not perfect by any means. Peer pressure is alive and well but I thought they knew better. I've told them over and over again how badly this could have ended. Four boys running down the street. At 3 in the morning. That's bad. But lets face it. 4 teenage black boys running down the street at 3 in the morning...dangerous. Just now I remember my son....when I pulled up next to him, he pulled his hand out of his hoodie and in his hand was his black cell phone in it. Too me, I know what it is....to a cop, at 3 in the morning...it looks like a handgun....he could be dead. My nephew, whose 6'3, and 17 years old... how much trouble could he be in with 3 minors when we have a curfew of 12 midnight? My other nephew who is 11...3 in the morning. He would have went to the juvenile center along with my two sons. Everyone's future could have been turned around like THAT. All because they got bored. Wanted to try something fun. The last weekend of summer vacation. My son is in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. A whole bunch of stupid reason's.....



urgh



My punishment was no cell phone for either of them, limited internet usage (school) and they can not go anywhere. When their father found out...he came over an cleaned house. Xbox is gone, 360 is gone, dvd players are gone, mp3 players...gone. Anything fun...gone. He said he might give it all back to them as a Christmas presents.



My mind goes crazy with the whatifs and I am thankful that it was not worse than what it could be. My job, as a parent, is to not let it get worse than it has been.

How could I have such a good weekend and it turn so incredibly fucked up? How, in the laws of the universe does that happen??? My youngest son Jalil’s bday is on the 20th. He wanted big family bbque but since his bday is on a Wednesday and school starts today…we decided to do it on Saturday. Kerry, their dad, came over about 10 Saturday morning and started the grill and bbquing since we were doing a ton of meat. Jalil wanted ribs so Kerry had got two slabs of ribs (one for him and one for us), hot dogs, a brisket, brats, chicken, pork steak and hamburger patties. We were going to open presents about 2 that afternoon (his dad has to work nights so we all wanted to have our own little thing before everyone got there) so we opened presents and then ate ribs for lunch. Oh my gawd…I marinted those things like I was getting paid to do it! They were delicious and tender….makes my mouth water just thinking about it. After we ate, Kerry went home to shower and get ready and we pretty much…passed out until about 4pm which is when I was going to finish doing the sides.

When I was doing my baked beans and potatoes salad, kids started to arrive and I put them out to go into the yard to play and to shoot hoops. I remember smiling at the sound because I do love to have kids over, I love to watch them hang out and be kids for a change. Not tied to a cell phone, xbox, computer or the mall. Just backyard fun. My oldest son, Okoye, turned a boom box on I grabbed my camera to snap pictures. I had Kerry get some more hamburgers and hotdogs for the kids to grab up while they were hanging and he started to grill those as more family members showed up. Kerry’s mom and sister came and pulled up a chair but ended going inside when the kids started having a water fight.

Two of my sisters arrived and then my mom and dad. Its always awkward at first when Kerry and my family mixes together. Our divorce was not messing by any means but it was very painful for both families. My father probably took it the hardest in my family because he had taken to Kerry as if he was his real son. When Kerry was 17, I can remember my dad showing him how to fix cars, build things, fix things. He sometimes was more of a son to my father than my actual brother was. Kerry’s sister took it very hard on his side. She would call and beg me to just stay married to her brother. Just live in the same house and raise the boys. Although there wasn’t anger and animosity between the families, their was, still a lot of pain and after 5 years, there is still pain that we deal with.

I had the kids set up tables in the drive way so that they all could eat outside and then the grown ups ate inside….at one point I seen about 10 kids walking into the backyard and we hurried up and let them know…ummm no…NO free food being given away. Was that mean of me??? Hell nawh….I say. I’d spent 75 bucks on meat alone! After everybody ate Kerry announced it was Fear Factor time. The kids had contest of push ups…laps around the block…..holding breath in bowls of water and then the ultimate….for the squeamish or for those who want to talk about salmonella poisoning….look away or go to the next paragrah….this is your last warning….okay here it goes….I’m serious….okay here it is…Drinking a raw egg. Which, from that point, I realized that doing Fear Factor AFTER we ate, was not a good idea. Even though I didn’t do it…I threw up 3 times which my niece Dominique thought was HILIARIOUS….

For each winner of the events, they won $5. Jalil won 15 bucks. After that, we all just kind of hung out…kids in rooms or outside, adults sitting around here and there…and life…life was excellent….i felt a lot of peace just watching my son smile and interact. This from a boy who did not talk to anyone outside of his brother, his mom and his dad until he turned 6. And even from that point….it was slow in him talking to his teachers or even his cousins, let alone other children. Now, I have to tell him to shut up. Life is good…

I’ll finish up tomorrow…

I dont have dreams. I'm not talking the nighttime subconscious variety (although really...I dont have a lot of those either, or at least ones I remember). I'm talking a bucketlist. A list of things I want and desire to do before I die.

I dont have things that I plan to do. I dont have aspirations of fullfilling a want. Most times I dont dwelve that deep into me.

I know I want my children to be happy. I want them to be successful. Most of my 'dreams'...are about my kids. So does those count??

No, according to a couple of friends. Dream are selfish. It hasto be completely about me. Its not a need that NEEDS to be fullfilled...(of which I have many) but a desire to be fullfilled. I dont have those.

When talking (emailing) about this today, in response, I was told, by a friend... 'that makes me very sad'.

And just like that I came up with a dream.

I want to see the Alvin Alley Dance Troupe. Live.

They was a news segment yesterday about the troupe and I felt mesmorized watching them on TV. I"ve seen snippets here and there. But something about watching them on TV did something inside. I felt soulfull things, happy things, ALMOST made me want to learn ballet (yeah right). In thinking about the AADT today, I thought...'I need a bucketlist.'

Do you have a bucketlist?

I’m watching Big Brother again. I’m hanging in there given the fact I am not as interested in this season as I was last season. One thing is the same and that is my irritation with everyone’s surprise when someone changes or flips the script on another person…ummmmm helllllllo??? Come on people. Work with me. I understand they are sequestered in the this house, with no communication from anyone else but how do you build such a bond of love and friendship with someone YOU JUST MET and feel like you can put your trust totally in said people??? Am I THAT cynical?

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School starts next week and the boys are pretty excited. They have new school clothes via their father (he does clothes, I do school supplies. Can you tell who is the disciplinarian in this family) and they have been practicing going to bed earlier and getting up when they need to get up next week. Hopefully this means that I’m getting better at getting them excited about life in general.

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Speaking of life, yesterday I posted a couple shots of a set of photo’s I took up at the capital this weekend. Kerry and I were looking through the pictures and he was commenting on how our son seems more into his girlfriend than she into him. I agree. So we began talking about if she broke up with him, how broken he would be. I tried to pass it off as concerned parents until a friend seen the set also and without me telling her, her comment was along the same lines of how the girlfriend wasn’t as into him as he was into her. Urgh…makes my stomach sick. Him having a girlfriend, yes makes me sick. Him being heartbroken makes me violently ill.

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I really like swimming now…..really I do. Yummy yum yum on those shoulders.

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I have a habit of saying the wrong thing at absolutely the wrong time at totally the wrong person and right now I’m mortified at the the memory of calling my supervisor ‘daddy’….

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Why is that summer vacation ends and I instantly start making chilli? I had to have it last night so I made chili for chili cheese dogs and chili potatoes.

Capital Dayz...

Miyagi got to go spend a couple hours with one of his litter mates and an older brother this week...Kerry took video of them and here are a couple shots that the boys took as well.

This is Miyagi, on the right, and his brother Rocky who is a year older than Miyagi. Rocky didnt know really what to take of Miyagi since he was a male. They didn't know how Rocky would react to Miyagi so they chained Rocky up. At one point Miyagi went a little close for Rocky's taste and Rocky went into his stance of 'hey dude...back the f up!' But as you see, Miyagi has his own little stance going as well






Miyagi kept marking his territory around this piece of grass area and his sister Cuja was following behing him, sniffing him at. Once she made a sound and Miyagi heard her Miyagi jumped and stood there. Cuja walked right up to him and put her nose on his nose! Miyagi has the choker chain collar on...

This picture was taken right before that happened...I wish they had snapped that picture!



They are playing together very well...

They had water out for Miyagi but Miyagi wouldnt drink it...so that is why he is foaming at the mouth...plus, he's not used to being outside very much and it was HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

The 'boyfriend' of the girl whose dad sold us Miyagi is brushing Rocky, trying to calm him down here. If this is a hint of how huge Miyagi is going to get...damn.

Kerry said the girl kept talking about how beautiful Miyagi is (he is), and how well behaved (he is) he is. I'm thinking they want to inbred him with his sister. Do NOT like that idea at all. Quess its the principal of it all, I dont know.

On certain days, I can walk around like my isht don’t stink. Don’t know why its only on certain days and not every day. Something in the way I sleep, brush my teeth, put on my makeup…something. But God and the powers that be, always seem to have a way of slapping me upside my head and saying “honey, that funky attitude HAS to go!’ Her blog , Exposed....reminded me of it.

I don’t know what happened that morning but I remember when I walked into work I felt extremely….hot. Don’t know if it was a new shade of lipstick (of which I am a lipstick whore), a new pair of panties or what but I remember walking in the doors of my building with my head so far in the clouds I could have high fived God.

I was hungry so I went to cafeteria to get me something to eat. I walked to one area to the next and in the middle of going to another area, I glanced up to lock eyes with a younger man across the cafeteria. A younger man. Let me say that again…A YOUNGER MAN!!! Was eyeballing ME. I instantly looked away but still…when I walked to another area, I had my slow sexy stroll down pat and my tummy sucked in.

When I stopped (nearly ready to pass out from the tummy sucking in) I glanced to where he was and he was heading in my direction. I didn’t even bother to look away. When he got close enough to me he leaned over and whispered ‘Your tag is showing’.

I asked ‘what???’ and he said “your tag is showing…your shirt is on inside out’

I reached around and sure enough, I could feel my tag and I closed my eyes…praying for that allusive trap door that never seems to open up when you need it. I opened my eyes, praying for a miracle and I glanced down at my arms where yes, there the seam was, proudly for all to see. My young stud muffin was there helping out the old lady who had trouble dressing her self. Not because I was all that and a bag of French of fries.

Confucius say… Being humble has it strong points.

My sister 'Netta, me and Okoye...please excuse the sequined top...I was NOT trying out for a career as a Solid Gold Dancer...it was 98 degrees in the shade and I wore a black shirt, of all things....so I stopped and grabbed this lovely little number. Dont ask me what devilish thoughts my sister was having....
My niece's Angela and 'Mylie....

My cousin Michael who is a doctor/photography...yeah, he had to show me out with all his fancy equipment but everyone liked my pictures better.... >-P Nah nah nah nah....

My cousin Lionel...who had a snotty azz cold and preceeded to wipe his snot on his hands and THEN want to give me a high five with said hands...

Evette (Evie) and 'Mylie get to know each other using sticks...I love it when girlie girls play with 'boy' things! My job is done in this world when I introduce them to the other side....

The Too Tough Crew...or as I affectionately call them...'Hey You...YOU!!! YOU Know I'm talking to YOU!!!!!' My two are on the far right.....

My sis and her son Quinton or Quinten (yeah, I'm a bad aunt I can not for the life of me remember how she spelled (spellt???) his name) so we will just call him Q from now on.....

Ava Rae....summed it up pretty good here...after 2 hot azz days, people wanting to hug and kiss you in the middle of those hot days and never having enough to drink...I wish I could have fallen asleep and let someone push me around in a soft cushing carriage too...

Family reunions....the stuff that stories that get passed down from generation to generation are made of....