This would be why I have trouble in relationships…



I’ve been raised that I can do what any man can do (and yes, sometimes better) so on Fathers Day, my dad, checking the spacing on my spark plugs, lost a spark plug behind the engine and was having trouble finding it. He asked me to help him. I really didn’t want to…I mean it was hot, I just did my nails that morning and it was hot. Did I say….it was hot???? yeah well, it was Father’s Day…and as much as my dad and I fight, it seemed to be something he wanted me to do so I went down to help him. This is how I grew up. Trailing after my dad, standing right beside him, handing him this and that, looking under hoods. He is a man that believes that a woman can do anything a man can do. She doesn’t HAVE to but if need be…she can. He is a man that believes a man needs a woman just like a woman needs a man. He is a man that believes that a woman CAN be just as strong as a man but shouldn’t have to be at all times. But…my dad is ol skool. He can two step with the best of them. Cooks breakfast and lunch for my mom. Showers my mom with stuffed animals, chocolates and whatever her hearts desire. But isn’t afraid to say ‘honey I need your help’. I’ve heard him say ‘honey can you help me’ or ‘honey, you were right’ or ‘honey what do you think about this’. He also cleans up pretty good if you ask me…

When my marriage ended my father took me out to dinner. We sat and talked while we ate. At one point we both were quiet, a very comfortable quietness but my father finally said I was stronger than I realized. I remember him saying that one line and I remember my tears just started rolling (not the poster child for strength, I know). That he raised a strong, smart, beautiful daughter, and one day I would not feel all this pain. That it would never completely go away but it would ease up and I would be better for it and I would be blessed.


I don’t know exactly what the blessing will be. Has it already came? How much longer do I have to wait? But I would think it would have to be in the form of having a partner who understands that even when I say ‘I can do it myself!!!’ what I really mean is that ‘yes I can do it myself but please help me.’ That when I’m onery and mean…its then that I am hurting the most. That when I’m stuck under a hood of a car and it looks like the car is swallowing me whole,

it means that I’m scared that I will never have what my parents have so I have to stay one up on everything. I am a contradiction in so many ways but if you look closely enough, you can read me like a open face large print book.

When I left my parents, my mom kissed my cheek and gave me my plates of food to take home to the boys and I went to find my dad, laying on the couch, the TV watching him snore, I kissed his cheek and he cocked one eye open and said ‘call me when you get home’. He snarled it at so I said okay and started for the door. When I opened the door, from behind me my dad said ‘I love you’. I smiled and without looking I said it back to him and walked out.

Yeah…someone has some big shoes to fill….