‘They called my supervisor about me….’

I knew he had put his resume out there…but recently he put it out there for positions out of Missouri. But hearing this statement just…urgh..just like now, my stomach acids are seeping as we speak.

I’ve finally allowed myself to love and open up as much as I can possibly do, which isn’t a lot for me. I don’t allow a lot into my life nor open myself up to emotions and feelings. I run from those things. Anything else, I stand firm in my stance and can be demanding, opinionated and over the top but when it comes to love and relationships, urgh…I run to climb under the blankets and cover my head.

He told me this as we drove to Applebee’s and some how I managed to breathe, ask appropriate questions and drive, all at the same time when inwardly, Lord I just wanted to put him out, yell ‘I told you so!!!’ and go home to safety. When we pulled into the parking lot I put my hand on the gear and put it in park and he put his hand on mine and said ‘don’t worry…nothing is definite.’ And then….Hurt & Scared Jakki decided to pook her head up and lawdhamercy….

‘its cool…do what you got to do ‘cause ultimately what do I have to do with any of your decisions??? Nothing. I cant tell you not to go and even if I could you still need to worry about you don’t worry about me…So you go right ahead and do whats best for you…..’ and a host of other isht that even now I cringe at the thought that his ears had to hear it.

We have dated on and off for 5 years. Seriously for 3 of the 5 years. He told me, this weekend, that he felt like I was waiting for Mr. Right to come along and even though my head was screaming YOU ARE MY MR RIGHT’ …the words that came out of my mouth was ‘there is NO such thing. No Mr. Right exist.’ Blunt and cold. Take no prisoners, leave no evidence. Fortunately I love the very essence of this man who understand me and , my issues but…for who long will he do that? It’s like I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. And since I’m posting this, I MUST be out of my mind.

Anywho…I jumped out of the car faster than he could say ‘hey wait a minute’ and headed for the door of Applebee’s. Knowing him and his ways, I slowed up enough for him to catch up and still be able to get the door. When he got to the door, I swear he held for a second like he wanted to cuss me out ( yeahlike he would survive after)…I could feel the tension on him. Once we got in, we ordered drinks and finally were able to talk and act like everything was okay even though we knew it wasn’t.

I very seldom take off from work but I did yesterday for basically some us time. Sit around and watch Cheaters and Maury…the Soap channel. Fluff that we really didn’t have to talk about but we could just have playing in the background and not interfere with whatever thoughts we had. I felt an overwhelming need to prove my love over and over to him. I hated feeling that way. I’m just being honest. I hated feeling like the teenage girl who is desperate to have ‘her boyfriend’ and will give her self to him so that he sticks around. No, I didn’t do that in a sexual way but I gave of myself more than I am comfortable doing and it was simply to remind him of ‘see, SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this is what we have…you cant leave this!!’ urgh…I’ve been reduced to a prepubescent 13 year old girl…urgh.