Don't have too much too going on today. Its rainy. Annnnnnnnnnd its the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Its been since 1996 ( yes, I'am aware its the same day Tupac died). Some days its hard. Others I can smile at memories but I still curl up into a ball on my couch and cover up with my green blankie. Today is kinda in the middle. It usually starts hitting me soon as September rolls around. The whole feeling that 'something happens this month....' Once it hits, I hit the lows. I'm named after my grandmother and I lived with my grandmother for a long time. I wonder if she approves of me? I wonder if she would do things different? I wonder if she would try and whoop my azz for things EVEN now ( and she could, trust me). I miss combing her hair. I miss having our talks. I miss her telling me I'm doing something wrong yet I miss her pulling me down to her, holding my face in her hands, giving me a wet kiss on my forehead and saying 'you did good baby'. I miss the eggs she used to make me for breakfast. I miss driving up to her house and her sitting in the yellow chairs outside and she would get that half grin, half smirk on her face and said 'whatcha done did NOW'.

I also remember when she had that second to last stroke and she couldnt even remember my name, BUT she remembered my face. She was living with my parents and most times she would sit in her rocking chair. As I would walk up to the front door I could see her. Staring off into whatever. One hand, curled laying in the pillow on her lap, the other hand curled around the arm rest of the rocking chair. When I opened the door she'd glance towards me, never really directly at me but she'd see enough of me to get that grin on her face and say 'bout time you got here' and I"d lean down, grab her face to kiss HER forehead. Then she'd say no one had combed her hair in days (not true) and I better get to it before it tangled up. My grandmother was black, American Indian and Irish. Her hair had a mind of its own and it took no prisoners. Most days I would brush it with water and vaseline (her concoction that I have NO idea where she came up with it from) until most of the curls were down at her ends and then do a french braid down the back.

She had a series of small strokes and then one day she a stroke that sent her right to the hospital. We all pretty much took shifts to be around her around the clock but since her hospital was near my job, I stopped into see her before work, during lunch and then after work for a couple of hours. One day, when I came to see her after work she had been put on life support. Every breath was a struggle for her. Sad how we make our loved ones struggle to live to make US feel better. All I wanted was her there. I wanted to hold her hand, comb her hair and talk to her like we used to do. We had a meeting and the decision was made to take her off life support and what seemed to be a miracle happened. She was breathing on her own fine. No struggles but soon she started to have....a rattle. We all pretty much lived in that hospital room and soon, clergymen started to stop in...Nuns came by to ask if we needed anything. It was me and my parents sitting with her when my mom had to go for a smoke so her and my dad went outside for a quick minute. I was sitting close beside her and laid my head on the bed. It was my way of sleeping with her like we used to do. I curled my arm under my head and I remember looking down the bed to where her hand was laying so I curled my hands around her curled fingers so it was like we were holding hands and I just closed my eyes. Every few seconds she would have this deep rattle but otherwise it was so quiet except for a couple sounds outside the room and then a couple machines that were still going. I opened my eyes and waited for the raspy rattle and right when I raised my head her monitor started the alarm....

I miss you so much. We argued a lot and so much my teenage years people have told me that you did that because you expected so much out of me. That you wanted the best for all of us grand kids but you expected me to be on top of EVERYTHING. Even when I was kid and I would get into trouble with you were known to say 'SHE knows better' like I was born with some kind of pamphlet of How to Know and Do Better. All I know is your were there when I took my first breath and I was there when you took your last and I will live with that the rest of my life. And for some sick odd twisted reason.... I treasure it.