9*11*01

I'm sure this is one of those days where 'Do you remember what you were doing when....'

I was already at work. I remember a coworker coming over to my area and said 'a plane just flew into the Trade Center.' She said it so matter of fact it didnt click that it was THE World Trade Center. I said 'what? Are you serious???' and her face was just...shocked. The office buzzed, once the word got around. People turned on tv radios. We clicked on the internet. We all hunted for information and then all of a sudden 'There was two!!!'. I sat down at my desk just to get onto something anything for information. How could someone mistakenly hit Trade Center? How could an accident like that happen.

My phone started ringing and I remeber picking it up. It was Kerry, my ex husband. 'Come home'. I remember sitting there like 'why are you tripping? that is New York. We are here.' He was hysterical almost manic. 'Get my kids and come home NOW or I"m coming to get you'. I sat there. Not fully understanding why he was so...crazy. I started shutting things down as people around me were going from cubicle to cubicle talking. I told someone that I had to go. I dont think I even said why and I dont think anyone even asked me why. I walked out, got on the elevator. When I got to the atrium of the building I ran into my supervisor and told him that my husband was upset and I really needed to get home and I rememer his expression. I wondered if he even heard a word I said. When he put his hand on my shoulder I knew this had thrown everyone's world upside down.

When I got to the school, I told the principal what was going on and she said she understood, no problem. Okoye kept asking why he was going home so soon. He was going to miss lunch and they were having his favorite. Jalil just came on. Probably sensing something was not right and his way of coping is to sit back and watch me. I drove home listening to the radio and kept coming across 'terriorist' 'attacks' 'target'. Surely this HAD to be an accident...I was questioning the very thing I thought was an accident.

When we pulled into the garage, at first I didnt hear anything but then I heard the TV in our bedroom, above the garage. Me and the boys went up the stairs and I remember walking into the room and seeing Kerry sitting on the bed. Not moving. Watching TV. And it was like that for days.

For days we didnt watch anything but news reports. Didnt go anywhere. No work or school. I remember seeing footage of people falling from buildings until they pulled those shots off the air. I remember seeing one building on fire and a plane heading to the other one. I remember countless scenes of smoke. Rubble. Tears. Pain. I remember not leaving the house for a few days. I remember collecting EVERY article I could find (matter of fact, when I had a fire I also had severe smoke damage to my house and several of my articles and magazines were some of the items I made my insurance company restore) I remember thinking we can NOT go on like this. It was like our world revolved on what was going on and what was happening....And that was when I believe that our world changed. Not just as in America but as in OUR world. I dont think my ex husband was ever the same after that.

So much sadness out of hate and distruction. So much pain. Any time I think about it, I still feel pain. I cant imagine how and what the people of New York, Pennsylvania and Washington feel. The family members of thousands of people who were killed, how they dont have unforgiveness taking over their lives. I guess the quote that Mayor Bloomberg said says it best..."Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal." Do you come to a point in you life that all you REALLY want to do is just remember the love that you shared with that person you lost??? How much energy it must steal to continue to hate and blame...how many of us have that spirituality to let it go and let God? I really don't think I do. I pray to God that if put in a similiar situation, He grants me the peace and the strength to do so.