Don't have too much too going on today. Its rainy. Annnnnnnnnnd its the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Its been since 1996 ( yes, I'am aware its the same day Tupac died). Some days its hard. Others I can smile at memories but I still curl up into a ball on my couch and cover up with my green blankie. Today is kinda in the middle. It usually starts hitting me soon as September rolls around. The whole feeling that 'something happens this month....' Once it hits, I hit the lows. I'm named after my grandmother and I lived with my grandmother for a long time. I wonder if she approves of me? I wonder if she would do things different? I wonder if she would try and whoop my azz for things EVEN now ( and she could, trust me). I miss combing her hair. I miss having our talks. I miss her telling me I'm doing something wrong yet I miss her pulling me down to her, holding my face in her hands, giving me a wet kiss on my forehead and saying 'you did good baby'. I miss the eggs she used to make me for breakfast. I miss driving up to her house and her sitting in the yellow chairs outside and she would get that half grin, half smirk on her face and said 'whatcha done did NOW'.
I also remember when she had that second to last stroke and she couldnt even remember my name, BUT she remembered my face. She was living with my parents and most times she would sit in her rocking chair. As I would walk up to the front door I could see her. Staring off into whatever. One hand, curled laying in the pillow on her lap, the other hand curled around the arm rest of the rocking chair. When I opened the door she'd glance towards me, never really directly at me but she'd see enough of me to get that grin on her face and say 'bout time you got here' and I"d lean down, grab her face to kiss HER forehead. Then she'd say no one had combed her hair in days (not true) and I better get to it before it tangled up. My grandmother was black, American Indian and Irish. Her hair had a mind of its own and it took no prisoners. Most days I would brush it with water and vaseline (her concoction that I have NO idea where she came up with it from) until most of the curls were down at her ends and then do a french braid down the back.
She had a series of small strokes and then one day she a stroke that sent her right to the hospital. We all pretty much took shifts to be around her around the clock but since her hospital was near my job, I stopped into see her before work, during lunch and then after work for a couple of hours. One day, when I came to see her after work she had been put on life support. Every breath was a struggle for her. Sad how we make our loved ones struggle to live to make US feel better. All I wanted was her there. I wanted to hold her hand, comb her hair and talk to her like we used to do. We had a meeting and the decision was made to take her off life support and what seemed to be a miracle happened. She was breathing on her own fine. No struggles but soon she started to have....a rattle. We all pretty much lived in that hospital room and soon, clergymen started to stop in...Nuns came by to ask if we needed anything. It was me and my parents sitting with her when my mom had to go for a smoke so her and my dad went outside for a quick minute. I was sitting close beside her and laid my head on the bed. It was my way of sleeping with her like we used to do. I curled my arm under my head and I remember looking down the bed to where her hand was laying so I curled my hands around her curled fingers so it was like we were holding hands and I just closed my eyes. Every few seconds she would have this deep rattle but otherwise it was so quiet except for a couple sounds outside the room and then a couple machines that were still going. I opened my eyes and waited for the raspy rattle and right when I raised my head her monitor started the alarm....
I miss you so much. We argued a lot and so much my teenage years people have told me that you did that because you expected so much out of me. That you wanted the best for all of us grand kids but you expected me to be on top of EVERYTHING. Even when I was kid and I would get into trouble with you were known to say 'SHE knows better' like I was born with some kind of pamphlet of How to Know and Do Better. All I know is your were there when I took my first breath and I was there when you took your last and I will live with that the rest of my life. And for some sick odd twisted reason.... I treasure it.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
9*11*01
I'm sure this is one of those days where 'Do you remember what you were doing when....'
I was already at work. I remember a coworker coming over to my area and said 'a plane just flew into the Trade Center.' She said it so matter of fact it didnt click that it was THE World Trade Center. I said 'what? Are you serious???' and her face was just...shocked. The office buzzed, once the word got around. People turned on tv radios. We clicked on the internet. We all hunted for information and then all of a sudden 'There was two!!!'. I sat down at my desk just to get onto something anything for information. How could someone mistakenly hit Trade Center? How could an accident like that happen.
My phone started ringing and I remeber picking it up. It was Kerry, my ex husband. 'Come home'. I remember sitting there like 'why are you tripping? that is New York. We are here.' He was hysterical almost manic. 'Get my kids and come home NOW or I"m coming to get you'. I sat there. Not fully understanding why he was so...crazy. I started shutting things down as people around me were going from cubicle to cubicle talking. I told someone that I had to go. I dont think I even said why and I dont think anyone even asked me why. I walked out, got on the elevator. When I got to the atrium of the building I ran into my supervisor and told him that my husband was upset and I really needed to get home and I rememer his expression. I wondered if he even heard a word I said. When he put his hand on my shoulder I knew this had thrown everyone's world upside down.
When I got to the school, I told the principal what was going on and she said she understood, no problem. Okoye kept asking why he was going home so soon. He was going to miss lunch and they were having his favorite. Jalil just came on. Probably sensing something was not right and his way of coping is to sit back and watch me. I drove home listening to the radio and kept coming across 'terriorist' 'attacks' 'target'. Surely this HAD to be an accident...I was questioning the very thing I thought was an accident.
When we pulled into the garage, at first I didnt hear anything but then I heard the TV in our bedroom, above the garage. Me and the boys went up the stairs and I remember walking into the room and seeing Kerry sitting on the bed. Not moving. Watching TV. And it was like that for days.
For days we didnt watch anything but news reports. Didnt go anywhere. No work or school. I remember seeing footage of people falling from buildings until they pulled those shots off the air. I remember seeing one building on fire and a plane heading to the other one. I remember countless scenes of smoke. Rubble. Tears. Pain. I remember not leaving the house for a few days. I remember collecting EVERY article I could find (matter of fact, when I had a fire I also had severe smoke damage to my house and several of my articles and magazines were some of the items I made my insurance company restore) I remember thinking we can NOT go on like this. It was like our world revolved on what was going on and what was happening....And that was when I believe that our world changed. Not just as in America but as in OUR world. I dont think my ex husband was ever the same after that.
So much sadness out of hate and distruction. So much pain. Any time I think about it, I still feel pain. I cant imagine how and what the people of New York, Pennsylvania and Washington feel. The family members of thousands of people who were killed, how they dont have unforgiveness taking over their lives. I guess the quote that Mayor Bloomberg said says it best..."Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal." Do you come to a point in you life that all you REALLY want to do is just remember the love that you shared with that person you lost??? How much energy it must steal to continue to hate and blame...how many of us have that spirituality to let it go and let God? I really don't think I do. I pray to God that if put in a similiar situation, He grants me the peace and the strength to do so.
I'm sure this is one of those days where 'Do you remember what you were doing when....'
I was already at work. I remember a coworker coming over to my area and said 'a plane just flew into the Trade Center.' She said it so matter of fact it didnt click that it was THE World Trade Center. I said 'what? Are you serious???' and her face was just...shocked. The office buzzed, once the word got around. People turned on tv radios. We clicked on the internet. We all hunted for information and then all of a sudden 'There was two!!!'. I sat down at my desk just to get onto something anything for information. How could someone mistakenly hit Trade Center? How could an accident like that happen.
My phone started ringing and I remeber picking it up. It was Kerry, my ex husband. 'Come home'. I remember sitting there like 'why are you tripping? that is New York. We are here.' He was hysterical almost manic. 'Get my kids and come home NOW or I"m coming to get you'. I sat there. Not fully understanding why he was so...crazy. I started shutting things down as people around me were going from cubicle to cubicle talking. I told someone that I had to go. I dont think I even said why and I dont think anyone even asked me why. I walked out, got on the elevator. When I got to the atrium of the building I ran into my supervisor and told him that my husband was upset and I really needed to get home and I rememer his expression. I wondered if he even heard a word I said. When he put his hand on my shoulder I knew this had thrown everyone's world upside down.
When I got to the school, I told the principal what was going on and she said she understood, no problem. Okoye kept asking why he was going home so soon. He was going to miss lunch and they were having his favorite. Jalil just came on. Probably sensing something was not right and his way of coping is to sit back and watch me. I drove home listening to the radio and kept coming across 'terriorist' 'attacks' 'target'. Surely this HAD to be an accident...I was questioning the very thing I thought was an accident.
When we pulled into the garage, at first I didnt hear anything but then I heard the TV in our bedroom, above the garage. Me and the boys went up the stairs and I remember walking into the room and seeing Kerry sitting on the bed. Not moving. Watching TV. And it was like that for days.
For days we didnt watch anything but news reports. Didnt go anywhere. No work or school. I remember seeing footage of people falling from buildings until they pulled those shots off the air. I remember seeing one building on fire and a plane heading to the other one. I remember countless scenes of smoke. Rubble. Tears. Pain. I remember not leaving the house for a few days. I remember collecting EVERY article I could find (matter of fact, when I had a fire I also had severe smoke damage to my house and several of my articles and magazines were some of the items I made my insurance company restore) I remember thinking we can NOT go on like this. It was like our world revolved on what was going on and what was happening....And that was when I believe that our world changed. Not just as in America but as in OUR world. I dont think my ex husband was ever the same after that.
So much sadness out of hate and distruction. So much pain. Any time I think about it, I still feel pain. I cant imagine how and what the people of New York, Pennsylvania and Washington feel. The family members of thousands of people who were killed, how they dont have unforgiveness taking over their lives. I guess the quote that Mayor Bloomberg said says it best..."Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal." Do you come to a point in you life that all you REALLY want to do is just remember the love that you shared with that person you lost??? How much energy it must steal to continue to hate and blame...how many of us have that spirituality to let it go and let God? I really don't think I do. I pray to God that if put in a similiar situation, He grants me the peace and the strength to do so.
I am a Doomsday advocate. The whole ‘SOMETHING bad is going to happen. I just know it’ kind of girl. Needless to say, it’s not good for me to work at a suicide clinic or depression worksite. My luck, someone would say ‘the world is going to end today’ and I would say ‘you know, the sun DID take longer to raise this morning.’ Yeah, that’d be me. Today is Patriots Day. L has several events planned for the day but that never stops us from calling or texting each other first thing in the morning. When I didn’t get a call by 8, I called him. Nothing. Text….nada. hmmmmm. Office, strait to voicemail. Then I look at the online newspaper for his city, to check out for sure when certain things would start and what do I find….there was an accident. Along the same stretch of highway that he takes into work. Stomach acids seeping as we speak.
~
If you work in an office setting, you have SOMEONE who works your nerves, you don’t speak to or just don’t like. And the feeling is mutual? Ever get stuck on the elevator with that person? Man…talk about silence! NO ONE speaks. You hear each other breathing. Separate corners of the ring, I mean elevator. My eyes were on the floor panel as we hit each one, her eyes were fixated on the actually floor. Yeah…fun times indeedy.
~
Watched Fashion Rocks or whatever it is, the other night. Fell in LOVE with the English chick Duffy(?)! The way she squealed and did that hand thing like the Beetles…. had me trying it all night. I wasn’t real popular with my boys that night.
~
Still no word…I really feel like I could either vomit or beat the crap out of someone right now. I hate being the First Wife of Gloom and Doom. I really do. I know the man is busy right now. I know his schedule. But dammit…this is driving me crazy.
~
Now I’m pissed. ‘I’m in a meeting sweetie, lemme call you back’….wtf???? I had all intentions on adding to this all day, being all cute and funny and then posting my end result tonight but right now I swear I could spit damn nails and nail him to the wall.
~
If you work in an office setting, you have SOMEONE who works your nerves, you don’t speak to or just don’t like. And the feeling is mutual? Ever get stuck on the elevator with that person? Man…talk about silence! NO ONE speaks. You hear each other breathing. Separate corners of the ring, I mean elevator. My eyes were on the floor panel as we hit each one, her eyes were fixated on the actually floor. Yeah…fun times indeedy.
~
Watched Fashion Rocks or whatever it is, the other night. Fell in LOVE with the English chick Duffy(?)! The way she squealed and did that hand thing like the Beetles…. had me trying it all night. I wasn’t real popular with my boys that night.
~
Still no word…I really feel like I could either vomit or beat the crap out of someone right now. I hate being the First Wife of Gloom and Doom. I really do. I know the man is busy right now. I know his schedule. But dammit…this is driving me crazy.
~
Now I’m pissed. ‘I’m in a meeting sweetie, lemme call you back’….wtf???? I had all intentions on adding to this all day, being all cute and funny and then posting my end result tonight but right now I swear I could spit damn nails and nail him to the wall.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Today was one of those days where work was not of importance. Flirting, laughing, talking, eating...was. It was a snack day in honor of one of our coworkers turning 40. I had prepared for this day all week by eating as little amounts of carbs as possible. Shells and I floated between each others cubicles chitchatting. Talking/flirting and laughing with Shells and our supervisor, I noticed our supervisor had would HAD to be spinach in his teeth. Seriously. And if I noticed it, Shells had to notice it so I could not really look at her. Do I say anything? Do I let it go? I had this great idea to stare at his lips hoping he would get the picture, but he didnt. He just kept talking more and more.....now with me, THAT trick works. Anytime I'm talking to someone and they start rubbing their nose or looking at my teeth, I instantly try to rub it away or lick 'it' away. ummmm no such luck with that idea. He just kept talking. Finally he said 'oh its 2:30, I have an interview....' oh HELL....but I couldnt get my lips to form the words...'hey, you have something on your teeth.'
I should have said something.
I should have said something.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
‘They called my supervisor about me….’
I knew he had put his resume out there…but recently he put it out there for positions out of Missouri. But hearing this statement just…urgh..just like now, my stomach acids are seeping as we speak.
I’ve finally allowed myself to love and open up as much as I can possibly do, which isn’t a lot for me. I don’t allow a lot into my life nor open myself up to emotions and feelings. I run from those things. Anything else, I stand firm in my stance and can be demanding, opinionated and over the top but when it comes to love and relationships, urgh…I run to climb under the blankets and cover my head.
He told me this as we drove to Applebee’s and some how I managed to breathe, ask appropriate questions and drive, all at the same time when inwardly, Lord I just wanted to put him out, yell ‘I told you so!!!’ and go home to safety. When we pulled into the parking lot I put my hand on the gear and put it in park and he put his hand on mine and said ‘don’t worry…nothing is definite.’ And then….Hurt & Scared Jakki decided to pook her head up and lawdhamercy….
‘its cool…do what you got to do ‘cause ultimately what do I have to do with any of your decisions??? Nothing. I cant tell you not to go and even if I could you still need to worry about you don’t worry about me…So you go right ahead and do whats best for you…..’ and a host of other isht that even now I cringe at the thought that his ears had to hear it.
We have dated on and off for 5 years. Seriously for 3 of the 5 years. He told me, this weekend, that he felt like I was waiting for Mr. Right to come along and even though my head was screaming YOU ARE MY MR RIGHT’ …the words that came out of my mouth was ‘there is NO such thing. No Mr. Right exist.’ Blunt and cold. Take no prisoners, leave no evidence. Fortunately I love the very essence of this man who understand me and , my issues but…for who long will he do that? It’s like I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. And since I’m posting this, I MUST be out of my mind.
Anywho…I jumped out of the car faster than he could say ‘hey wait a minute’ and headed for the door of Applebee’s. Knowing him and his ways, I slowed up enough for him to catch up and still be able to get the door. When he got to the door, I swear he held for a second like he wanted to cuss me out ( yeahlike he would survive after)…I could feel the tension on him. Once we got in, we ordered drinks and finally were able to talk and act like everything was okay even though we knew it wasn’t.
I very seldom take off from work but I did yesterday for basically some us time. Sit around and watch Cheaters and Maury…the Soap channel. Fluff that we really didn’t have to talk about but we could just have playing in the background and not interfere with whatever thoughts we had. I felt an overwhelming need to prove my love over and over to him. I hated feeling that way. I’m just being honest. I hated feeling like the teenage girl who is desperate to have ‘her boyfriend’ and will give her self to him so that he sticks around. No, I didn’t do that in a sexual way but I gave of myself more than I am comfortable doing and it was simply to remind him of ‘see, SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this is what we have…you cant leave this!!’ urgh…I’ve been reduced to a prepubescent 13 year old girl…urgh.
I knew he had put his resume out there…but recently he put it out there for positions out of Missouri. But hearing this statement just…urgh..just like now, my stomach acids are seeping as we speak.
I’ve finally allowed myself to love and open up as much as I can possibly do, which isn’t a lot for me. I don’t allow a lot into my life nor open myself up to emotions and feelings. I run from those things. Anything else, I stand firm in my stance and can be demanding, opinionated and over the top but when it comes to love and relationships, urgh…I run to climb under the blankets and cover my head.
He told me this as we drove to Applebee’s and some how I managed to breathe, ask appropriate questions and drive, all at the same time when inwardly, Lord I just wanted to put him out, yell ‘I told you so!!!’ and go home to safety. When we pulled into the parking lot I put my hand on the gear and put it in park and he put his hand on mine and said ‘don’t worry…nothing is definite.’ And then….Hurt & Scared Jakki decided to pook her head up and lawdhamercy….
‘its cool…do what you got to do ‘cause ultimately what do I have to do with any of your decisions??? Nothing. I cant tell you not to go and even if I could you still need to worry about you don’t worry about me…So you go right ahead and do whats best for you…..’ and a host of other isht that even now I cringe at the thought that his ears had to hear it.
We have dated on and off for 5 years. Seriously for 3 of the 5 years. He told me, this weekend, that he felt like I was waiting for Mr. Right to come along and even though my head was screaming YOU ARE MY MR RIGHT’ …the words that came out of my mouth was ‘there is NO such thing. No Mr. Right exist.’ Blunt and cold. Take no prisoners, leave no evidence. Fortunately I love the very essence of this man who understand me and , my issues but…for who long will he do that? It’s like I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. And since I’m posting this, I MUST be out of my mind.
Anywho…I jumped out of the car faster than he could say ‘hey wait a minute’ and headed for the door of Applebee’s. Knowing him and his ways, I slowed up enough for him to catch up and still be able to get the door. When he got to the door, I swear he held for a second like he wanted to cuss me out ( yeahlike he would survive after)…I could feel the tension on him. Once we got in, we ordered drinks and finally were able to talk and act like everything was okay even though we knew it wasn’t.
I very seldom take off from work but I did yesterday for basically some us time. Sit around and watch Cheaters and Maury…the Soap channel. Fluff that we really didn’t have to talk about but we could just have playing in the background and not interfere with whatever thoughts we had. I felt an overwhelming need to prove my love over and over to him. I hated feeling that way. I’m just being honest. I hated feeling like the teenage girl who is desperate to have ‘her boyfriend’ and will give her self to him so that he sticks around. No, I didn’t do that in a sexual way but I gave of myself more than I am comfortable doing and it was simply to remind him of ‘see, SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this is what we have…you cant leave this!!’ urgh…I’ve been reduced to a prepubescent 13 year old girl…urgh.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I may be down but nothing will stop me from taking pictures and trying to capture in one still frame important moments of our lives...
My brother Byron and his son Byron Jr...two grown men who can barely speak two words to each other without fighting in one brief moment of friendship...an easy 15 or 20 minutes with peace is so damn good. I hope they realize that everything takes time and 15 or 20 minutes, over time can add up to a lifetime.
My sister Donetta and our great niece Syncere...Syncere's middle name is my sister's middle name, Monay. Syncere is also my niece's, Dominique's daughter...
I can not express the love I have for this photo! This is, in the foreground, Bhrianna (who has my middle name), another one of my great niece's...her dad is Byron Jr and, in the background, Keiona, my niece... simply by love alone....her mother is Christal, who used to date my brother Byron but we liked her so much we decided to keep her around in the family.
This is my chunkster great niece Bhrianna....**sigh** the want for a girl is strong.....
with people having to worry about important things like loved ones and their lives and their life...my preoccupation with self seems selfish....many many prayers go out to people who have to wait this out or have loved ones to worry about too....
My brother Byron and his son Byron Jr...two grown men who can barely speak two words to each other without fighting in one brief moment of friendship...an easy 15 or 20 minutes with peace is so damn good. I hope they realize that everything takes time and 15 or 20 minutes, over time can add up to a lifetime.
My sister Donetta and our great niece Syncere...Syncere's middle name is my sister's middle name, Monay. Syncere is also my niece's, Dominique's daughter...
I can not express the love I have for this photo! This is, in the foreground, Bhrianna (who has my middle name), another one of my great niece's...her dad is Byron Jr and, in the background, Keiona, my niece... simply by love alone....her mother is Christal, who used to date my brother Byron but we liked her so much we decided to keep her around in the family.
This is my chunkster great niece Bhrianna....**sigh** the want for a girl is strong.....
This is my niece Dominique. People, if you dont realize how sometimes our words can cause pain...look at the expression on her face....she was getting a speech from her father about joining the National Guard and no...it wasn't what she wanted to hear....
My brother B, his next to youngest daughter, Angela, his grand daughter Bhrianna, and our mother....
with people having to worry about important things like loved ones and their lives and their life...my preoccupation with self seems selfish....many many prayers go out to people who have to wait this out or have loved ones to worry about too....
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