Got on the elevator not to long ago. Another lady was in there and I kind of half smiled at her. She didn’t return the smile and I found myself wondering what was up with that so I just kept my head bent down. I kept hearing noises coming from her direction so I glanced up. Lips tightly closed, eyes staring off, hand shaking….she was holding in sobs. So I asked a stupid question. I asked if she was okay. She waved her hand in my direction, opened her mouth to say something and closed it. I reached out to her shoulder and WANTED to say to her that I would pray for her but I held back. I hate it that I held back. She said ‘my mom is hurt’. Right then the bell dinged in the elevator and she rushed to stand in front of the door. I said to her to be careful. She didn’t turn around but when she got to the outside doors and she opened it, she turned to me and our eyes met and I thought to myself, SAY IT and once again…I didn’t. I waved her on instead to not hold the door or to wait for me.

I prayed for her as I was walking to my car but I hate it that I did not say it too her.

*

I forgot! My guilty pleasure of season something or other of The Biggest Loser started last week! So get ready for my tear filled summaries of what happend the night before, LOL

Ever have one of those moments (sometimes longer than a moment) where you know KNOW that you are over reacting but you cant stop? Where you think to yourself, ‘Self, this really isn’t bad! In the grand scope of life, this REALLY ISNT THAT BAD!’ ….but you cant stop it? well, I’m here to tell you….I had one of those moments and that Bad Boy of Irrational took a hold of my emotions and went running at breakneck speed….

Some of you may remember when I, me, myself and I, deleted about 4000 pictures from my memory card. I was depressed for soooooooo long but eventually I put on my big girl panties and moved on with life. Well, obviously I didn’t learn from that and ended up coming up against that same mountain again…

Okoye called me at work Friday (school was cancelled for inclement weather) about noon. He had taken my memory card out of my card reader, laid it on the desk (or so he thought), put his memory card in and then realized…he was hungry. Went up stairs, leaving my precious memory card on the desk ( or so he thought) to fix him something to eat. An hour later I’m getting the phone call about ‘I cant find it!’ okay….folks, I kid you not, I had to tell myself to breathe….

I told him to keep looking and I would talk to him later ( read: don’t waste precious talking to me. LOOK!!!BOY!!!LOOK!!). twenty minutes later I called him. ‘Anything?’….’no, Ma….I’m looking’. This went on for the rest of the afternoon. He was sounding more and more dejected and I was more like ‘GOOD! You should feel that way!’ I didn’t say it too him but I know it was in my tone. I know. I know. ‘Baaaaaaaaaad Mother of Year Award goes too….Jakki!’

Finally its time to go home. Shells invited me over for margarita’s which…I gave her the tone of ‘are you serious!? My life is over’ tone when I said ‘no’. Another friend wanted to come over, to which of course I said no and couldn’t even tell her why because ‘it hurt to even think about’


Ummmm didn’t I say I knew I was over reacting but I couldn’t help myself?

I got home and immediately went to looking. I turn my house upside down. I looked under papers, boxes, scrapbooking tables, under my washer. Everywhere. On the table, in plants. Everywhere. Okoye looked at me, truly sad and upset look on his face and said ‘I’m sorry, Ma. ‘ To which I squeaked out ‘ I know’ because I know he was sorry. He said ‘ I love you, Ma’….and folks I am ashamed to say I said ‘I love you , too’ but there was NO LOVE in the words.

Since I was so traumatized I couldn’t cook dinner so we ordered out. When we got home, we all went to our rooms and all was quiet. Not even the dog or cat could be heard. I talked to myself and tried to get myself to understand that life was good. this was a small bump in the road. It will turn up, either somewhere in the house or in the dog’s poop. Forget about the fact that it was about 7000 pictures I had lost. All my memories for 2009. But hey! I had the memories. I still had the family that was in the pictures. All was not lost since I had some sets saved to some websites since I took pictures of and forwarded them to friends and family or I had a couple pictures here and there that I had saved to my compute. All is not lost.

The next morning Okoye had basketball practice so we chit chatted on the way to the gym. Ran some errands while he was at practice ( got a new memory card) to waste time while he was a practice so finally we head home. Got home, logged on to check messages, decided to do laundry and yelled upstairs at Jalil to separate the clothes upstairs and toss me a load over the banister (yeah….we do that). When I went to grab the load my hand grabbed a handful of fabric and I felt something. Shifted the stack of funky clothes a little and it was Okoye’s pajama pants. My hands closed around whatever it was and my heart dropped. Is that a freakin’ condom? Hyperventilating here…. Gotta slow the breathing down. Calm down the blood pressure. I put my hand in the pocket……YES! YES! YES! MY CARD! Okoye comes running down to look over the banister…..’what?!’ I held up my little blue card of happiness and said ‘ I found it!’ and he ran down the stairs to hug me….

I’ve checked everything out and all the photo’s are there. I’ve learned my lesson and will not leave my card in the reader and on the safe side, I emphasized to Okoye not to leave anything like that just lying around (yes, I know, he didn’t do that but he thought he did) and then we had ANOTHER LITTLE TALK ABOUT HIM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND (again, I know it wasn’t a condom but hey….he has to deal with these conversations, after all, I’m the adult and must behave accordingly :-) ).

I HAVE GOT TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS MORE! Even though I said the right words to my son, my tone and my body language told him other wise. Lord, help me to be more understanding...I've got to...


How was your weekend?

Snow Dayz

We actually are getting snow fall....






Ya know...more and more I'm getting the idea that I am onto something with this whole !LIVE! 'word'. It seems like everything is coming at me about slowing down, enjoying life more, taking the time to enjoy what time we do have on this earth...I couldnt agree more....but I am sleeping so much! I mean really.....Do you turn 39 and all of a sudden sleep is now the new hobby?

Why can't life be this simple? You know, like a sign saying 'to avoid gaining 50 pounds...keep right!' Or 'keep right to avoid getting hurt!'. Or 'must turn left HERE for happiness.'....I guess if we had it all layed out in front of us...we would never learn, never grow and definetly never LIVE THE LIFE that was set out for us...

It took me so long to get in the Christmas spirit....I hate to let it go...

My 'get up and go' cocktail....strong coffee with hot cocoa and a cold bottle of water....

Man...I have been sleeping sooooooooo much lately. New Years Day I slept so much...not from a wild party the night before, although I did go over to a friends house, I was still at home by 11 to ring in the New Year with My Boys.... We got up yesterday, ate breakfast...I napped. Got up to start cooking my chicken for a huge pot of gumbo for a New Years Day dinner with my folks. Once I put that on...curled up on my couch with my green blankie....

Woke up about a half hour later to sautee some onions and shrimp for the gumbo. Set that aside...ummm is that my green blankie calling me??? I do believe it is. So I took another nap!

Been in a huge mood to take photo's so joined up with Shutter Sisters 365 project on Flickr. The shot above is my shot for today. This, I think could be fun.

Happy New Year peoples.....

!LIVE!